(The following blog is a result of thorough investigation by my special team. We have tried our best to reproduce Umpire Bucknor's Carribean accent but ignore the mistakes if any. Just read and discover what he had to say.)

There was a disciplinary meeting held by ICC and BCCI (Board for Commercialization of Cricket in India) after the end of Sydney Test between India and Australia because there were lots of complaints regarding poor umpiring in the match. Here is what transpired during and after that meeting. (Excerpts based on a sting operation done by Wizard’s weekly and also on Umpire Steve Bucknor’s yet to be released book ‘Bucknor was framed’.).

Time 9.00 PM (Australia time) Place : ACB office in Sydney.(Umpire Bucknor enters the meeting room).

ICC official : “ Good evening Mr. Bucknor, please have a seat.”

Umpire Bucknor: “Thank you maa’n.”

ICC off:  “ Mr. Bucknor, we have received several complaints regarding your poor umpiring and we want an explanation from you.”

Umpire Bucknor: “Oh, maa’n all of these khumplaints are baseless appheals and there was no need for a third umpire referral. Anyway, I will answer you. Go ahead and ask whateva you wanna know.

ICC off: “Charge number 1 – you are biased against Sachin Tendulkar and you give wrong decisions against him.”

Umpire Bucknor: “Nothing like that Maa’n. I am not biased against only Sachin or Team India but I treat all the sub-continental teams in the same manner. Their boards don’t phay well to the umpires whereas they phay huge sums to their phlayars. I am not against Saachin but it’s a phersonal matter that I have a grudge against him because he did not give me a signed bat for my son.

ICC off: “What about the infamous decision in the past, when you gave Sachin out LBW and the ball had hit his shoulder?”

Umpire Bucknor: “That was a correct decision. Saachin had ducked to avoid the bouncer and the ball hit him on the shoulder. I khunsidered if Mcgrath had been sthanding at the batting crease then where would the ball hit him? It was this kalkulation which prompted me to rule Saachin out.”

Charge number 2 – “ You were guilty of offering light to Australians when they were struggling against Indian bowlers and the light was good enough to continue the game.”

Umpire Bucknor: “I am an old maa’n of 60. I had eaten a lot of fries and Indian curry during the breaks and my stomach was churning badly. I had an urgency and I had to go off the field. I am also a humaa’n afterall.”

ICC off: “Charge number 3 – Why did not you give  Symonds out when he had clearly nicked the ball off Ishant Sharma in the first innings?”

Umpire Bucknor: “That is a baseless allegation. I gave Symonds out. You know I am an experienced and fair umpire and I take my time in carefully considering every appeal and judging accordingly and its not my fault that by the time, I made up my mind and gave Symonds out, he had already scored over 150 runs. I was so busy in considering this appeal that I did not pay any attention to any subsequent appeals. You can ask Kumble about it.”

(A door opens just behind Bucknor and Anil Kumble chased by security dashes inside the room with a beer bottle in his hand.)

Anil: “Let me just throw this one bottle at him!!” (moves dangerously towards Bucknor but is controlled and taken away by the security team.)
ICC off: “Charge number 4 – Why did not you declare the ball which hit Jaffer’s wicket in the first innings as a no-ball.?”

Umpire Bucknor: “We all know how fast Brett Lee bowls. If I had cared to watch his foot then I would have definitely missed the ball. I am 60 years old maa’n and I have ageing reflexes.” (winces pitifully)

ICC off: “ Charge number 5 – Why did you give Rahul Dravid out when his bat was nowhere near the line of the ball?”

Umpire Bucknor: “Two things need to be considered here. First, I was feeling hungry and I thought that the noise was the announcement of lunch being ready and I nodded my head in approval. Second, with such tall monkeys and kangaroos and pups jumping and shouting together, I got scared terribly and pointed towards heaven to leave me for heaven’s sake. I am an old maa’n of 60, you see.)
ICC off: “Why was Ganguly given out on Ponting’s approval? Why was there no third umpire referral?”

Umpire Bucknor: “That had nothing to do with me. In fact, I spoke to Umpire Benson about it but he said that in his view Ponting was a better and younger umpire than me. I am an old maa’n of 60 with lot of dignity and I felt so humiliated that I decided to keep mum on this issue.”

ICC official: “There has been ample evidence that you turn a deaf ear towards the appeals by Indian bowlers. Why is that so?”

Umpire Bucknor: “No, I just keep a small bluetooth enabled earphone plugged into my ears all the time to kill the time during the long hours of boring test cricket. Its nothing like turning a deaf ear but its all about having a musical ear. (Grins wickedly.)

ICC off: “So you mean that you are not guilty of all the charges mentioned here?”

Umpire Bucknor: “Charges? What Charges? I am sorry but I think I forgot all that you said. I am an old maa’n of 60.” (gives a pitiable look).

The meeting was over and it was decided that Umpire Bucknor was to be replaced by Umpire Asad Rauf for the next match.

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SCENE NO. 2

Umpire Bucknor walked into his hotel lobby late that night. There were just a few people waiting for him.

Ricky Ponting: “Hi Steve, How did it go mate? I am sorry mate but I guess a lil favour cost you your job.”

Umpire Bucknor: “Oh dats fine maa’n. I hope you remember the promise.”
Ricky Ponting: “Yes mate. We Australians always play fair and keep our word. The amount has been credited to your account. Enjoy the holidays mate (pats Umpire Bucknor on the back and walks away.)

Umpire Bucknor: “Who are you Madaa’m?”

Lady in Black: “Hello Mr. Bucknor, my name is Ekta. I make a lot of  teleserials and films in India on the issues related to corruption and social injustice. I am greatly impressed by your antics and happenings in this game. I want to sign you as a lead actor for my next 5000 episode daily soap “Kyunki Bucknor bhi kabhi umpire tha”. According to astrologers, shooting will start at the auspicious time of 11.43 on day after tommorrow.”

Umpire Bucknor: “Wow, dat’s great Ekhtaa. I will do your serial but the problem is I don’t know Hindi.” (looks a little disappointed.)

Ekta: “Don’t worry Mr. Bucknor, I will get a voice over done for you. So, see you day after tommorrow on the right time then?”

Umpire Bucknor: “Yes definitely.”

She walked away and Umpire Bucknor turned around to go towards his room. He had hardly taken a couple of steps when a man jumped down from an artifical tree decorating the lobby. Umpire Bucknor almost falls backwards in fear.

Umpire Bucknor: “Who are you maa’n?”

Strange man: “Hi Steve, I am Andrew Symonks. I guess you did not recognize me. These hotel people are crap. I thought that the bananas on this tree were real and it all turned out to be plastic.” (spits some splinters of plastic bananas as he speaks.)

Umpire Bucknor: “Where are the keys?”

Andrew Symonks: “Here are the keys to your new car. Thanx for helping me get a century mate.” (shakes hands with Umpire Bucknor, scratches his back and jumps forward towards some artifical plants near the fountain.)

(COMING SOON: ‘KYUNKI BUCKNOR BHI KABHI UMPIRE THA’)